Have you ever had a time when someone you respected knocked you down a peg… or ten? Something they said struck right at the very core of an existing insecurity and made all the negative things you’ve said about yourself to yourself feel truer than they’ve ever felt.
What is it about that comment or that relationship or that particular day that makes it just sink in and settle into your soul like it belongs there and always has? What does it look like when those that you trust to give wise counsel show their own humanity and do damage instead? How do you know when to listen to them and when to recognize their hurt talking and choose to believe the Truth instead of the words they are saying?
I have a million of these kind of questions after all the time I was able to spend with a number of different types of people this past week. In the middle of a particularly heavy conversation with someone I consider a friend and mentor, it was suggested that I talk too much. Well… Not really suggested… It was stated. And it felt like a slap in the face. Not the good kind of slap that wakes you up and invigorates you, but the kind that leaves fingerprints on your cheek and causes you to question everything about yourself and the relationship you thought you had with the person doing the slapping.
I’ve been struggling with that comment and my relationship with the one who made it ever since it happened. I so badly want to put on a happy face and just be fine, but I can’t get the insecurity to clear. So I struck out this afternoon hunting for some way that I could test the words spoken to me this past week. Looking to the Bible for Truth and a way to discern how much of the comment to take to heart, if any.
Do you know how many verses there are about this kind of thing? A ton. Way more than I expected, really. Psalms and Proverbs are full of them and others are scattered throughout scripture, but where I landed with some sense of recognition of my situation was James. I’ve read James before, even studied it in depth when I was a teenager and quizzing over it. I hadn’t really recognized how much I needed chapter 3 until today.
The beginning of James 3 is automatically interesting. In the first twelve verses, James details the importance of taming the tongue. Just reading this section makes me want to cut my tongue out and actually never speak again… It’s that critical to learn to control it. In these verses the tongue is spoken of as having been set on fire by hell, being a restless evil, and being full of deadly poison. That’s a lot of power in one little body part.
I moved on to the end of chapter 3, which is where I was really challenged to figure out what Truth I should be internalizing. Wisdom has been a big word in my mind lately. I was looking back over some writing that I have done over the years and I was struck by how often I have begged and pleaded with God to give me wisdom. Yet I don’t feel like I have received any. I don’t feel wise. I rarely even feel smart when I’m engaging with the people who make up my inner circle. I have so surrounded myself with people that are way above me (in my mind) that I am constantly doubting and belittling myself. Surely they have more to offer… Surely they don’t need my input…
Matthew Henry got me thinking pretty severely when I went to his commentary on verse 17. Right off the bat he says, “True wisdom is God’s gift. It is not gained by conversing with men, nor by the knowledge of the world.” That hit hard. I place a lot of weight on things that people I trust say. For some reason I give these people power over my spirit that they have no right (and in some cases no desire) to have. Giving anyone that kind of pull over the understanding of my value is a problem. Regardless of how much I trust them, they are human Just. Like. Me.
It’s easy to think that I’m doing something good by surrounding myself with wise people, and in some ways I am. They call me to be something better than I am. They hold me accountable and ask hard questions when needed. But… They are not God, and sometimes they will let me down. So these days I’m working on running everything that goes into my brain, especially from people I trust, through James 3:17.
“The wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere.” Goodness. That’s a lot of filters. And then I have to stop and wonder if I’m filtering myself appropriately. Having been begging for wisdom, and having a list of what wisdom looks like, am I doing all I can to show that wisdom even when it may not be shown to me? And isn’t that the biggest question? I’m not going to have to answer for things said or done to me, only for my choices and reactions.
So what of the relationships that can be damaged by words? What of the discomfort I’ve been dealing with because of the words of another? Haven’t I caused worse? If I’m honest? And at times haven’t I even done it intentionally? So what right do I have to hold it against someone else who likely has no clue the impact that the words have had? As one who’s been forgiven much, shouldn’t I choose to forgive freely? It’s not a hard question. And I definitely know the answer.
What is it about that comment or that relationship or that particular day that makes it just sink in and settle into your soul like it belongs there and always has? What does it look like when those that you trust to give wise counsel show their own humanity and do damage instead? How do you know when to listen to them and when to recognize their hurt talking and choose to believe the Truth instead of the words they are saying?
I have a million of these kind of questions after all the time I was able to spend with a number of different types of people this past week. In the middle of a particularly heavy conversation with someone I consider a friend and mentor, it was suggested that I talk too much. Well… Not really suggested… It was stated. And it felt like a slap in the face. Not the good kind of slap that wakes you up and invigorates you, but the kind that leaves fingerprints on your cheek and causes you to question everything about yourself and the relationship you thought you had with the person doing the slapping.
I’ve been struggling with that comment and my relationship with the one who made it ever since it happened. I so badly want to put on a happy face and just be fine, but I can’t get the insecurity to clear. So I struck out this afternoon hunting for some way that I could test the words spoken to me this past week. Looking to the Bible for Truth and a way to discern how much of the comment to take to heart, if any.
Do you know how many verses there are about this kind of thing? A ton. Way more than I expected, really. Psalms and Proverbs are full of them and others are scattered throughout scripture, but where I landed with some sense of recognition of my situation was James. I’ve read James before, even studied it in depth when I was a teenager and quizzing over it. I hadn’t really recognized how much I needed chapter 3 until today.
The beginning of James 3 is automatically interesting. In the first twelve verses, James details the importance of taming the tongue. Just reading this section makes me want to cut my tongue out and actually never speak again… It’s that critical to learn to control it. In these verses the tongue is spoken of as having been set on fire by hell, being a restless evil, and being full of deadly poison. That’s a lot of power in one little body part.
I moved on to the end of chapter 3, which is where I was really challenged to figure out what Truth I should be internalizing. Wisdom has been a big word in my mind lately. I was looking back over some writing that I have done over the years and I was struck by how often I have begged and pleaded with God to give me wisdom. Yet I don’t feel like I have received any. I don’t feel wise. I rarely even feel smart when I’m engaging with the people who make up my inner circle. I have so surrounded myself with people that are way above me (in my mind) that I am constantly doubting and belittling myself. Surely they have more to offer… Surely they don’t need my input…
Matthew Henry got me thinking pretty severely when I went to his commentary on verse 17. Right off the bat he says, “True wisdom is God’s gift. It is not gained by conversing with men, nor by the knowledge of the world.” That hit hard. I place a lot of weight on things that people I trust say. For some reason I give these people power over my spirit that they have no right (and in some cases no desire) to have. Giving anyone that kind of pull over the understanding of my value is a problem. Regardless of how much I trust them, they are human Just. Like. Me.
It’s easy to think that I’m doing something good by surrounding myself with wise people, and in some ways I am. They call me to be something better than I am. They hold me accountable and ask hard questions when needed. But… They are not God, and sometimes they will let me down. So these days I’m working on running everything that goes into my brain, especially from people I trust, through James 3:17.
“The wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere.” Goodness. That’s a lot of filters. And then I have to stop and wonder if I’m filtering myself appropriately. Having been begging for wisdom, and having a list of what wisdom looks like, am I doing all I can to show that wisdom even when it may not be shown to me? And isn’t that the biggest question? I’m not going to have to answer for things said or done to me, only for my choices and reactions.
So what of the relationships that can be damaged by words? What of the discomfort I’ve been dealing with because of the words of another? Haven’t I caused worse? If I’m honest? And at times haven’t I even done it intentionally? So what right do I have to hold it against someone else who likely has no clue the impact that the words have had? As one who’s been forgiven much, shouldn’t I choose to forgive freely? It’s not a hard question. And I definitely know the answer.