Thirty feels like a milestone year for a lot of reasons. In the last few years, I have stood my ground when some people thought I shouldn't. I've made educated decisions and spent hours in prayer making sure they were right. And you know what? They probably weren't always, but I'm learning... Like everyone else.
One of the hardest parts of the whole process has been the drastic change in family dynamics. I'm sure a lot of the changes were coming as time marched on, it just seems like they were helped along by the decision-making that had to be done.
Thanksgiving is a time when I feel these changes most acutely. I spent a lot of years as a child believing that family was the most important thing. I lived for Thanksgiving when school was out and we had amazing food, but mostly because such a large group would assemble and it always felt like going home.
Home is a word with a funny taste now. It seems fluid, which gives it less meaning to me. But as my Mom reminded me this weekend, this world isn't our home. Maybe that's why home is being taken away; so that I can learn to depend more on God.
My home isn't where I go for holidays anymore, it isn't the place where I grew up, a lot of days it's not even the house that I live in. And maybe that's a better thing than it feels like it is. Because the more often that I'm reminded that this world and the people in it are all flawed and broken (myself included), the more often my thoughts are directed Heavenward, to the only One who can help us.
This past week I've really struggled to be thankful. Not because I don't have anything to be thankful for, but just because I'm tired. Tired of ending up more thankful for water after days of not having any. Tired of being thankful for blankets when arriving home to no heat. Tired of being thankful for people showing who they really are so I can quit beating my head against a wall to build relationships that they aren't interested in having. Tired of explaining over and over again why things aren't the way everyone else thinks they should be, but that doesn't mean they aren't good. I'm just tired.
So as this season of thankfulness comes to an end, and before we transition to a new one, here's my real list of things that I'm deeply grateful for:
I'm thankful for:
One of the hardest parts of the whole process has been the drastic change in family dynamics. I'm sure a lot of the changes were coming as time marched on, it just seems like they were helped along by the decision-making that had to be done.
Thanksgiving is a time when I feel these changes most acutely. I spent a lot of years as a child believing that family was the most important thing. I lived for Thanksgiving when school was out and we had amazing food, but mostly because such a large group would assemble and it always felt like going home.
Home is a word with a funny taste now. It seems fluid, which gives it less meaning to me. But as my Mom reminded me this weekend, this world isn't our home. Maybe that's why home is being taken away; so that I can learn to depend more on God.
My home isn't where I go for holidays anymore, it isn't the place where I grew up, a lot of days it's not even the house that I live in. And maybe that's a better thing than it feels like it is. Because the more often that I'm reminded that this world and the people in it are all flawed and broken (myself included), the more often my thoughts are directed Heavenward, to the only One who can help us.
This past week I've really struggled to be thankful. Not because I don't have anything to be thankful for, but just because I'm tired. Tired of ending up more thankful for water after days of not having any. Tired of being thankful for blankets when arriving home to no heat. Tired of being thankful for people showing who they really are so I can quit beating my head against a wall to build relationships that they aren't interested in having. Tired of explaining over and over again why things aren't the way everyone else thinks they should be, but that doesn't mean they aren't good. I'm just tired.
So as this season of thankfulness comes to an end, and before we transition to a new one, here's my real list of things that I'm deeply grateful for:
I'm thankful for:
- Friends who step in when family steps out
- Having been taught how to do things, so that I can at least be part of the solution when something is wrong
- Growing up knowing the value of family
- Sean, who loves me and supports me
- God letting me have a glimpse of movement on his part at a time when I felt like He was nowhere to be found
- Little Bit, without whose unconditional love I wouldn't be who I am today
- Tears. The good ones and the bad ones
- The ability to learn to adapt when life gets hard (I've learned that not everyone has this)
- Hard days. They make even the normal days seem so much better