I've been thinking about this project a lot lately... In case you can't tell by how active I've been on Facebook and Twitter... Anyway, it's something that's been a long time coming. I've been tossing around ideas for how to be able to better financially contribute to the household, and specifically to the adoption bills, for awhile. Since we started paying the bills, really. Nothing was working out. I've sent countless applications to places who posted jobs that I felt might work out. I've tried to find something traditional part-time. I've even looked into some stranger things, like valet parking during odd hours at DFW, or online virtual assistantships. Nothing panned out.
For quite some time I've been struggling with feeling pretty worthless. Like somehow my value as an individual is tied to how much I'm earning or not earning. That's a terrible way to live. It's not true, but, oh how true it FEELS some days. You know those days, right? The days when the money is gone and payday was yesterday and you still haven't bought groceries? Or when your kid just told you his shoes are pinching his toes... Again... And it's still two weeks until payday... It just FEELS like I'm always working, and still we barely make ends meet most months. I can't expect Sean to do any more, he's already a full-time teacher and dad and husband and son-in-law and, and, and... He's doing so much! So I must have to do something!!! Right?
I'm realizing that there are a few problems with how I've been living, with how I've been thinking...
First, never has my value been set by my salary. Never have I actually had a dollar value. It's been interesting how that's come to be clear in my mind through contemplating Little Bit's adoption. Never would I say to him that he was only worth $50,000 because that's what we paid to adopt him. That's absurd. He's a priceless life, and I am privileged to have been able to adopt him. He's not worth less because he's not helping pay for things. He contributes to our lives in a multitude of ways that will never be able to have values assigned to them. My life is the same right now. There have been times when I could work outside the home. When God had those plans for me. But right now, one of the things that I am blessed to be is a homemaker. Homemakers get paid in hugs and love. Most homemakers don't sleep on a pile of money, and they're fine with that, because they sleep on a toy that got left in their bed when they were cuddling that morning, or on the grocery list that they fell asleep making, and those things are so much better.
Second, FEELINGS... Sigh... I hate feelings. Have you heard of the train? The one pulled by facts, powered by faith and pulling feelings along at the end? I need that tattooed on the inside of my eyelids or something so that I have to pay attention to it more... I forget the facts, throw faith out the window and get behind the feelings caboose to start pushing it myself. Let me tell you, it's hard to get that thing rolling. The FACT is that I'm a sinner saved by the grace of God. I have FAITH that my value was established by my Heavenly Father long before I was even born. My FEELINGS simply can't change those things. I think the thing that I have to keep reminding myself of is that my fight is not with me. I need to be taking every thought captive and making it obedient to Christ. Wallowing in the regret that I'm not making more money doesn't sound like something I was told to do. It doesn't seem like it will draw anyone else closer to the heart of God. So, as Bob Newhart says, I just need to stop it*! I need to stop allowing myself to go to a place in my brain where what I have to contribute even remotely has to pay dollars. God has continually provided in so many amazing ways, so why am I thinking that being faithful to what He has called me to for this time isn't good enough? Because I've let my FEELINGS take control. What a mess that makes.
Finally, I realized that doing something doesn't have to mean that I'm less effective, or less available, or less "me" for and to the people who need me. I have gifts that I love using for people who can't always afford to pay me. That's something that I have been told by people is ridiculous. "Don't work for free under the guise of good exposure." I get that, but that brings me back to where my brain was when I started this post. I don't care about the exposure. I'm not in it for the applause of people. People aren't who saved me. People didn't die so that I could live. Jesus did. There's a quote floating around that I read when I started formulating this post, and I couldn't make it work in my brain. It basically says not to work for applause, but to make your absence felt. I couldn't get that sorted out in any order so that it worked. And then I figured out why. Making my absence felt still makes it about me. And it's not. None of it is. And that's how it should be.
I believe 100% that God has given me the idea for Little Bit's Nest. I don't know fully why yet. I never really thought I'd own a small business. But I believe that he has led me to this idea, in this time, to glorify Him. And so I'm striving to do what He's called me to, believing that in this His presence will be known.
*I know this isn't effective therapy for most people, but it works for me!
For quite some time I've been struggling with feeling pretty worthless. Like somehow my value as an individual is tied to how much I'm earning or not earning. That's a terrible way to live. It's not true, but, oh how true it FEELS some days. You know those days, right? The days when the money is gone and payday was yesterday and you still haven't bought groceries? Or when your kid just told you his shoes are pinching his toes... Again... And it's still two weeks until payday... It just FEELS like I'm always working, and still we barely make ends meet most months. I can't expect Sean to do any more, he's already a full-time teacher and dad and husband and son-in-law and, and, and... He's doing so much! So I must have to do something!!! Right?
I'm realizing that there are a few problems with how I've been living, with how I've been thinking...
First, never has my value been set by my salary. Never have I actually had a dollar value. It's been interesting how that's come to be clear in my mind through contemplating Little Bit's adoption. Never would I say to him that he was only worth $50,000 because that's what we paid to adopt him. That's absurd. He's a priceless life, and I am privileged to have been able to adopt him. He's not worth less because he's not helping pay for things. He contributes to our lives in a multitude of ways that will never be able to have values assigned to them. My life is the same right now. There have been times when I could work outside the home. When God had those plans for me. But right now, one of the things that I am blessed to be is a homemaker. Homemakers get paid in hugs and love. Most homemakers don't sleep on a pile of money, and they're fine with that, because they sleep on a toy that got left in their bed when they were cuddling that morning, or on the grocery list that they fell asleep making, and those things are so much better.
Second, FEELINGS... Sigh... I hate feelings. Have you heard of the train? The one pulled by facts, powered by faith and pulling feelings along at the end? I need that tattooed on the inside of my eyelids or something so that I have to pay attention to it more... I forget the facts, throw faith out the window and get behind the feelings caboose to start pushing it myself. Let me tell you, it's hard to get that thing rolling. The FACT is that I'm a sinner saved by the grace of God. I have FAITH that my value was established by my Heavenly Father long before I was even born. My FEELINGS simply can't change those things. I think the thing that I have to keep reminding myself of is that my fight is not with me. I need to be taking every thought captive and making it obedient to Christ. Wallowing in the regret that I'm not making more money doesn't sound like something I was told to do. It doesn't seem like it will draw anyone else closer to the heart of God. So, as Bob Newhart says, I just need to stop it*! I need to stop allowing myself to go to a place in my brain where what I have to contribute even remotely has to pay dollars. God has continually provided in so many amazing ways, so why am I thinking that being faithful to what He has called me to for this time isn't good enough? Because I've let my FEELINGS take control. What a mess that makes.
Finally, I realized that doing something doesn't have to mean that I'm less effective, or less available, or less "me" for and to the people who need me. I have gifts that I love using for people who can't always afford to pay me. That's something that I have been told by people is ridiculous. "Don't work for free under the guise of good exposure." I get that, but that brings me back to where my brain was when I started this post. I don't care about the exposure. I'm not in it for the applause of people. People aren't who saved me. People didn't die so that I could live. Jesus did. There's a quote floating around that I read when I started formulating this post, and I couldn't make it work in my brain. It basically says not to work for applause, but to make your absence felt. I couldn't get that sorted out in any order so that it worked. And then I figured out why. Making my absence felt still makes it about me. And it's not. None of it is. And that's how it should be.
I believe 100% that God has given me the idea for Little Bit's Nest. I don't know fully why yet. I never really thought I'd own a small business. But I believe that he has led me to this idea, in this time, to glorify Him. And so I'm striving to do what He's called me to, believing that in this His presence will be known.
*I know this isn't effective therapy for most people, but it works for me!