Wow.  Two years.  How quickly life changes.  Two years ago, we were in court this morning.  It was the most nerve-wracking day I've ever experienced.  Even now, I can't remember most of it, but I'll never forget the outcome.  Two years ago today, life changed forever.  And it hasn't stopped changing since then.

I do struggle with celebrating this day.  It really isn't a day that was filled with joy.  My heart broke that afternoon as the judge read his verdict.  And though the outcome was what we had hoped, the reasons for the need were laid bare in devastating fashion throughout the day.  So many times when I think about how different things could have been, I'm as sad as I am happy.  My extended family was forever changed in this process, and I'm sad for the losses to all parties involved.  My son remembers enough to know that his past home is in desperate need of the Savior, and it hurts my heart to see him so sad when he mentions it.  I just keep praying that lives will be transformed.  

I'm now a year out from starting this business journey.  It's been an interesting year for sure.  Things definitely picked up during the holidays and have slowed again at the beginning of the new year.  I'm working on getting stock ready to be able to do some craft shows this spring and am looking forward to that. 

The biggest change at the moment, though, is that we are well into our next new thing as we prepare for a Baby E's arrival this summer!  We are all so excited.  In the past few weeks our household has undergone some huge changes as we are getting ready for this addition.  Life just keeps moving, and we work hard to keep up.

On this day, as I reflect on all that has gone on to get us where we are, I pray much for those who are still wandering.  Life is crazy enough without adding to it the lack of hope that comes without being able to hold onto Jesus.

I've been thinking about this project a lot lately...  In case you can't tell by how active I've been on Facebook and Twitter... Anyway, it's something that's been a long time coming.  I've been tossing around ideas for how to be able to better financially contribute to the household, and specifically to the adoption bills, for awhile.  Since we started paying the bills, really.  Nothing was working out.  I've sent countless applications to places who posted jobs that I felt might work out.  I've tried to find something traditional part-time.  I've even looked into some stranger things, like valet parking during odd hours at DFW, or online virtual assistantships.  Nothing panned out.  

For quite some time I've been struggling with feeling pretty worthless.  Like somehow my value as an individual is tied to how much I'm earning or not earning.  That's a terrible way to live.  It's not true, but, oh how true it FEELS some days.  You know those days, right?  The days when the money is gone and payday was yesterday and you still haven't bought groceries?  Or when your kid just told you his shoes are pinching his toes... Again... And it's still two weeks until payday...  It just FEELS like I'm always working, and still we barely make ends meet most months.  I can't expect Sean to do any more, he's already a full-time teacher and dad and husband and son-in-law and, and, and...  He's doing so much!  So I must have to do something!!!  Right?

I'm realizing that there are a few problems with how I've been living, with how I've been thinking...  

First, never has my value been set by my salary.  Never have I actually had a dollar value.  It's been interesting how that's come to be clear in my mind through contemplating Little Bit's adoption.  Never would I say to him that he was only worth $50,000 because that's what we paid to adopt him.  That's absurd.  He's a priceless life, and I am privileged to have been able to adopt him.  He's not worth less because he's not helping pay for things.  He contributes to our lives in a multitude of ways that will never be able to have values assigned to them.  My life is the same right now.  There have been times when I could work outside the home.  When God had those plans for me.  But right now, one of the things that I am blessed to be is a homemaker.  Homemakers get paid in hugs and love.  Most homemakers don't sleep on a pile of money, and they're fine with that, because they sleep on a toy that got left in their bed when they were cuddling that morning, or on the grocery list that they fell asleep making, and those things are so much better.  

Second, FEELINGS...  Sigh...  I hate feelings.  Have you heard of the train?  The one pulled by facts, powered by faith and pulling feelings along at the end?  I need that tattooed on the inside of my eyelids or something so that I have to pay attention to it more...  I forget the facts, throw faith out the window and get behind the feelings caboose to start pushing it myself.  Let me tell you, it's hard to get that thing rolling.  The FACT is that I'm a sinner saved by the grace of God.  I have FAITH that my value was established by my Heavenly Father long before I was even born.  My FEELINGS simply can't change those things.  I think the thing that I have to keep reminding myself of is that my fight is not with me.  I need to be taking every thought captive and making it obedient to Christ.  Wallowing in the regret that I'm not making more money doesn't sound like something I was told to do.  It doesn't seem like it will draw anyone else closer to the heart of God.  So, as Bob Newhart says, I just need to stop it*!  I need to stop allowing myself to go to a place in my brain where what I have to contribute even remotely has to pay dollars.  God has continually provided in so many amazing ways, so why am I thinking that being faithful to what He has called me to for this time isn't good enough?  Because I've let my FEELINGS take control.  What a mess that makes.   

Finally, I realized that doing something doesn't have to mean that I'm less effective, or less available, or less "me" for and to the people who need me.  I have gifts that I love using for people who can't always afford to pay me.  That's something that I have been told by people is ridiculous.  "Don't work for free under the guise of good exposure."  I get that, but that brings me back to where my brain was when I started this post.  I don't care about the exposure.  I'm not in it for the applause of people.  People aren't who saved me.  People didn't die so that I could live.  Jesus did.  There's a quote floating around that I read when I started formulating this post, and I couldn't make it work in my brain.  It basically says not to work for applause, but to make your absence felt.  I couldn't get that sorted out in any order so that it worked.  And then I figured out why.  Making my absence felt still makes it about me.  And it's not.  None of it is.  And that's how it should be.  

I believe 100% that God has given me the idea for Little Bit's Nest.  I don't know fully why yet.  I never really thought I'd own a small business.  But I believe that he has led me to this idea, in this time, to glorify Him.  And so I'm striving to do what He's called me to, believing that in this His presence will be known.

*I know this isn't effective therapy for most people, but it works for me!

We're moving well into the second week of the Kickstarter project, and I'm so excited about how well it's gone so far. It's definitely been neat to see people respond and to see things starting to come together.  One thing I learned through the process of the adoption, though, is that it's not all about the money being given.  God's got the financials well in hand, and He's proven that over and over as we've walked through this.  It was definitely a faith-walk to make it through the adoption process, and now we continue that journey as we move through life.  The money will show up, or it wasn't meant to show up.  I'm believing at this point that God is still at work concerning this project and that we will be fully funded before the deadline.

So for this week, I'd love to focus on the number of backers instead of the number of dollars.  I know money is tight all over the place, but all it takes is $1 to be a backer, and I'd love to see the backer number jump!  Take a few minutes to think about it.  What costs $1 anymore?  Not much.  You can barely buy anything worth anything for $1.  So instead of just waiting for people who have more dollars to help out, why not jump in and show your support with the $1?  Because, to me, seeing a new name pop up as someone who's believing is so much more valuable than having more dollars today.

I've even added a new reward level, just for this purpose.  I'll send out handwritten thank you notes via email to those who are willing to spend a minute and $1 showing their support of the project.  So let's do this!  Let's get that backer number to jump!  I know it's been proven in our world that a Little Bit changes everything, so just imagine what everyone doing a little bit could do!

About 4 ½ years ago, Sean and I were invited into the life of the sweetest little boy.  His parents had made some sad choices and were unable to care for him any longer.  His grandparents contacted us to see if we would be willing to step in if anything happened to them.  We, of course, said yes, and began a life-changing process.  We couldn’t have known then all the ways this would affect us and those around us at the time, but we have since learned more than we ever would have wanted to know about people and relationships and what is really important in life.

We first met Little Bit at our family Thanksgiving celebration in 2010.  We had spoken to his grandparents in September and had seen him at various other functions, but this was the first time we had actually interacted with him for any length of time.  It was evident from the very beginning that he was special.  He loved everyone.  Any person who interacted with him got a big smile and an even bigger hug.  We enjoyed getting to know him that day, and began making plans to have him visit so that we could build the relationship further so that he knew us in case anything happened and he needed to come live with us.

He first stayed overnight with us, me actually, when my brother’s family came to Oklahoma City for a weekend in February of 2011.  We wanted him to have a chance to play with the kids and it turned out to be a hilariously fun weekend.  It was jam-packed with playing and church, but all the kids enjoyed it and the adults had fun getting to know him and seeing how he fit in.  Sean had other obligations that weekend, but he sure missed out!

Our first real experience with him staying with us was in May of 2011.  Sean graduated with his Master’s degree and we picked him up right after that on our way to my sister’s college graduation.  He was so good sitting through the ceremony and afterward he picked right up charming people, some he knew and others he was just meeting.  People were so excited to see him, and it wasn’t long before the ones just meeting him were wrapped around his little finger, as well.  He met a lot of new people that weekend and made many new friends.  It was quite a whirlwind, but we enjoyed experiencing it with him and seeing things through his eyes. 

We left Oklahoma City and made our way home.  With Sean between semesters we had a lot of time to just have fun, and that’s what we did.  We played at various parks around Wichita and had fun splashing in rain puddles after a big storm.  There was plenty of time for a family date night or two, that ended with Orange Leaf!   Then I had to get back to work and Sean had fun playing with him some days, but others he came to work with me!  We went to Topeka toward the end of May to visit Sean’s family.  We played with a puppy and rode a miniature train in the mall and after church on Sunday he got to have run of the bouncy house!  He had a lot of fun playing with his cousin and we all got a surprise when Sean’s sister went into labor!  After that, it was back to Oklahoma for a short time that was filled with bowling and a canal ride in Bricktown.  He had a blast.  Then it was almost time to take him back to his grandparents.  But we finished out the visit with lunch at Lake Hefner with my dad’s side of the family.  It didn’t take long for him to win those hearts over.  By the end of this month long visit, we were incredibly sad to see him go. 

Our next time together came in August of 2011.  Sean was once again between semesters and we decided to head to Louisiana to visit my parents.   It was a pretty fast trip for such a little guy, but we had fun.  There was time for soccer, playing in the kiddy pool in the backyard, and playing at the park!  In just under a week, we visited two new states and made a ton of fun memories. 

In January 2012, we picked him up for a two week visit to Topeka and Wichita.  It was a flying trip, and a lot of fun was had by all.  We had fun at a place called Going Bonkers in Topeka, and playing with the cousins there. 

The final visit that we had with this precious boy was due to an emergency.  His grandfather had a heart attack and the family needed him to have somewhere to go so that the stress level was reduced to hopefully shorten the recovery time.  We picked him up toward the end of October of 2012.  This trip was different.  We knew going in that it was going to be at least two months until he went back.  It actually ended up being about four months, and each day made the coming end more difficult to think about.  We loaded the time with everyday fun and learning.  Before long, Little Bit was singing and could tell you all fifty state capitols.  He turned anything into sports and thoroughly enjoyed the “Jogging Game” as he called the races Sean had been doing.  We spent a lot of time working on things like spelling his name and memorizing an emergency phone number.  We had a fun, family Thanksgiving and a quiet Christmas.  There were a million memories and as mid-February and his departure neared, Sean and I realized that these memories would have to hold all three of us as we made decisions that would change all of our lives forever. 

You see, throughout our times together, we had seen numerous signs of problems being caused by his environment in Oklahoma City.  He would binge for the first several weeks of each visit and once he realized the food was going to continue coming regularly he would slow down.  He was afraid to get out of bed in the morning to go to the bathroom.  It was only a week or so before he went back that he finally started getting up when he woke up and going to the bathroom without being told to.  I found out that the very day he went back he pooped his pants, something that hadn’t happened in our experience with him, because he wasn’t supposed to get up.  He was so focused on making people happy that he wasn’t able to express his needs.  Any time he was asked anything the answer was yes.  We worked hard to help him be able to say, “No, thank you,” if he was full or didn’t want to do what we were offering him.  We had noticed early on that his back has scars all over it.  We started seeing evidence of their origin when we began telling him that it was about time to go home.  He was nervously scratching himself and probably has been for quite awhile.  One of the biggest things we noticed was that he seemed unable to sleep.  Getting him to sleep was generally a challenge and keeping him asleep proved to be even harder.  I was doing some research to try and figure out how to help him.  What I found is that extreme exhaustion can cause sleep terrors.  Once we figured this out and found ways to help him with it, the night terrors stopped and he was sleeping and waking on an amazingly consistent schedule. 

During our time with him, we had also found things out about the house he was living in and the other people living there that were beyond disturbing.  In February of 2013 we went back to a lawyer that we had previously consulted about the situation and made the incredibly heartbreaking decision to begin the adoption process.  Most people probably don’t understand why this is so difficult, but we knew going in that if the decision wasn’t in our favor that we would likely never see him again.

The paperwork was filed and served on February 26, 2013.  I received a phone call that same day from his grandmother who confirmed our fears.  She told us that the adoption would never happen and that we would never see him again.  We only thought we knew what it was to pray without ceasing before that day.

We slowly started gathering, for lack of a better term, evidence.  There were many different areas that we were looking at to provide information to our attorneys and it seemed like every rock we turned over confirmed our decision to have moved to adopt him.  Everything from domestic violence to drugs in the home came to light and we just kept sending it on to the lawyer’s office.  There were even allegations of physical abuse toward Little Bit.  I was constantly crying at this point.  Nothing had been enough to save this poor child before, so how could we possibly do this? 

The first glimpse of hope came in the form of a letter from his biological father.  He was served with the Petition for Adoption and wrote me in shock that I hadn’t told him what was going on.  Our fear had been that he would not support us in this endeavor, but his letter firmly stated that he wanted his son out of that house and that he wanted us to do whatever we needed to in order for that to happen.  I let the lawyer know and they promptly sent him a formal consent form that was returned SIGNED in support of our adoption. 

Our first court date was on March 13, 2013 at 9am.  I have never been so nervous in my entire life.  We woke early and met my parents at my grandparents’ house before all heading to the courthouse.  To ensure that we were on time, we left about an hour and a half early.  That seemed like a good idea at the time, but we were there about an hour early, which only added to the nerves.  No one had heard from Little Bit’s grandparents since that phone call on February 26th, so we had no idea what to expect.  They were there, as were his maternal grandparents, and the whole time spent in court culminated in them being able to show that he is now a member of the Choctaw Nation.  While we are thrilled for him, it seemed like a sly move on their part as it made it impossible for anything to happen that day.  We had to re-file all the paperwork with the court, re-serve all the parties involved which now included the Choctaw Nation, and wait a mandatory 20 days before we could appear before the judge again. 

May 7, 2013 seemed like a lifetime away.  It was the soonest that the schedules of our lawyer and the court coordinated for our second court date, so the wait began.  In the meantime, we continued on our hunt for helpful information.  We received word around April 11th that another miracle had happened.  Little Bit’s biological mother had filed her consent with the court.  She called our lawyer’s office and let them know that she had done so.  According to her, she had seen pictures of all of us together and saw how happy he looked and wanted that for him.  Further, she stated that she had come to distrust his grandmother and didn’t believe that he was being cared for properly.  Sadly, this was the same conclusion we had come to.

After a long search, we finally found someone to do our home study.  We came across a well-respected social worker who amazingly was only going to charge us about a third of what we were expecting to pay and would hopefully have it ready prior to the May 7th court date.  Since we had been told that they can take up to six months, this was great news.

We also learned during this waiting period that the Choctaw Nation didn’t intend to take jurisdiction of this case and would not be providing the legal support that Little Bit’s grandparents had thought they would be getting.  As a sovereign nation, the tribe has the right to do whatever they think is in the best interest of the child, and once they declined to take over, we thought we would be able to breathe a little easier. 

Finally May 7th arrived.  This court date was supposed to be significant.  We had consent from both of the biological parents and the Choctaw Nation had weighed in as much as they intended to.  It seemed like things were all in place for the termination of parental rights and to be able to move forward with the adoption proceedings.  Unfortunately this was not the case.  The consent that his biological mother had filed was not notarized, so the judge wanted it redone.  He also asked why the parents hadn’t moved to dissolve the guardianship.  Since this was the first we had heard of this, we were a bit befuddled as well.  Ultimately we left the courthouse, once again, with no action having been taken. 

In the days following that court date, we had several conversations with our lawyers about what our next move would be.  We were concerned about contacting the biological mother again, since an allegation had been made in open court that we had coerced her consent.  We didn’t know if we should contact his biological father again, since it was stated that he hadn’t wanted to consent, but felt like he had to since we were only giving him one side of the story.  The lawyer felt like what had happened was actually a good thing because her interpretation was that the judge wanted to ensure our placement and was leading them to the best legal course to make it happen.  We just weren’t sure.  It was even more nerve-wracking when we received a call from our attorney saying that they didn’t see any way around me contacting the birth mother.

That same week I was also advised to make contact with one of the people who had alleged physical abuse.  After doing some research, I was able to find the contact info that I thought was for Little Bit’s uncle’s girlfriend’s mother.  Confusing right?  I called the number I found and was surprised to have reached her in-laws.  Her mother-in-law was aware of the situation and immediately called her and gave her my information.  She called me back and we talked for about a half-hour.  My heart was heavy after that conversation.  She was full of information and none of it was good.  We were more convinced than ever that we had made the right decision to step in and try to get him removed from the situation.  With further allegations of physical abuse as well as new information regarding drug arrests, things did not seem likely that there should be any way that he would be left in the home.

Unfortunately, as the information got worse, we were still forced to wait.  I ended up finding a way to contact his biological mother and was more than surprised to find that she was not only in agreement with our petition for adoption, but was willing to show up in court and say so.  We immediately contacted our attorneys again and set things in motion to get an attorney in place for her and get the paperwork that the court had requested filed before our next court date.  At this point things were looking up as we headed into our next court date on July 16, 2013.  Surely the judge would be able to see that we had done everything that was asked of us and would be able to make a judgment.

The most bittersweet time of this whole process happened during this waiting period.  As part of the process of a contested adoption, Oklahoma law required us to provide Little Bit with an attorney.  The bright side of that requirement is that we were able to choose the attorney and found someone who was willing to provide us with updates as to his well-being in the interim.  She was also preparing a report to file with the court regarding what she believes his best interests are and as part of that report she wanted to see him interacting with us.  She arranged for us to have a visit with him at the public library across the street from the courthouse.  We were able to spend two hours with him playing and reading books.  It was quite possibly the hardest thing I have gone through so far.  To keep happy and positive while being able to witness first-hand the changes in him since he returned was more difficult than I would ever have guessed.

If only it had ended there.  We arrived at the courthouse the morning of July 16th and I had a chance to speak with his biological mother in person for the first time since this whole thing started.  She was overwhelmed and overwhelming in her appreciation for what we were trying to do.  All I could do was cry and tell her that we only wanted what was best for Little Bit and that we were simply hoping that swift justice would be served on his behalf.  While we were all waiting, his grandmother and grandfather were able to get on either side of her in the gallery and were trying to convince her that she was doing the wrong thing.  She came back in tears wanting some reassurance that she wasn’t.  My heart broke all over again for this poor mother, who having made her own decisions, was simply trying to do the next best thing for her son who hadn’t chosen any of his life. 

Our time before the judge was all too brief.  For some reason the judge has been hesitant to do anything in this case and on that day he kept up his usual streak of doing nothing.  We stood before him en masse and were all shocked to hear him tell us that once again nothing would be done.  Regardless of the 26 page report from Little Bit’s attorney, regardless of his biological mother there pleading for him to be removed.  Nothing would faze him.  He wouldn’t budge in his resolute inaction.  Once again we were leaving with yet another court date scheduled and still more unanswered questions. 

I can’t even begin to convey how hopeless things were beginning to feel.  We were doing all we knew to do and yet nothing was changing.  We were spending more and more money and nothing was happening.  His grandparents were receiving more and more money in benefits for him and he was still just caught in the middle, the victim of an unwinnable war.  No matter what went on it seemed that all parties would lose, Little Bit most of all.

Coming out of the courtroom that day we didn’t have any idea where we would go next.  It seemed that the judge would not be inclined to act and with the legal fees mounting, we weren’t sure how we would be able to continue for much longer either.  We met with our attorneys to discuss how the next few months would play out.  The court had finally set a pre-trial and trial date for this case, so it seems like our next steps would be significant.  Unfortunately, the dates were set for November and December, pushing our hope further away.  Little Bit’s attorney was due to try and be set as his Guardian Ad Litem in the interim, but nothing much could be done on anyone’s part until the trial dates arrived.

In the midst of all of this, Sean and I had to make some hard decisions in our life that could have affected the outcome of this whole situation.  We chose to move to Texas so that Sean could go back to full-time teaching in a school district that paid better than any in Kansas.  This probably wouldn’t have been worth it if we didn’t have an apartment above my parent’s garage to live in, so we are thankful for that.  This move required us to redo portions of our home study and all of our background checks, as well as to have everyone in the house background checked, all of which had costs associated with it.

I got a phone call during this extended waiting period from the Guardian Ad Litem that was very saddening.  She had taken Little Bit to McDonalds as part of a visit with him outside of the home.  Since her appointment as GAL she has had a lot more access to him without his grandparents around.  This particular time, he was just playing with other children and all of the sudden he came running back up to her.  “Don’t make me go stay with Sean and Stephanie,” he said.  She didn’t understand what he was talking about, so she simply said, “What?” “I want to stay with Grandma and Grandpa.”  Things made a little more sense to her now, so she asked him if his grandma had told him to say that.  “Uh huh!”  He was so proud of himself for remembering and doing what he was told.  The GAL was well aware of the implications of him being coached.  She told me that she’s pretty sure he’s being brainwashed.  While we were not all that surprised, we were deeply saddened to know that the existing hurdles weren’t enough for him to have to overcome and that if the adoption went the way we hoped, we would be having to help him see the truth through all the lies that were being put into his head.

We continued waiting, and paying lawyer bills, until finally it was time for the pre-trial hearing in November of 2013.  Since this was only for the attorneys to attend, we waited in Texas for word of how it had gone.  Nothing major happened, according to the people who were there, and the trial was finally the next step.  It was set for December 6th, and we were nervous.  Sean had taken half the day before off so we could go up and meet with the attorneys, so we got packed up and the car was loaded the morning of the 5th.  My parents had gone up the night before so that travel time didn’t affect work.  A close friend of ours had come down from Kansas to be with us as well, so they were all in Oklahoma and we were about to get one the road when the phone rang.  A winter storm moved in, and the courts were closing.  We were devastated.

It wasn’t until the following week that we found out the rescheduled date.  We were waiting until February 24th.  The rest of the holiday season would pass without word of Little Bit.  It was a different kind of season, for sure.

Slowly but surely February rolled around.  About a week before court we got case-changing news.  The dockets had been reassigned at the beginning of the year.  Our case would no longer be heard by the least decisive judge ever.  A bit of hurried research left us wondering how things would play out.  The only good thing we could find was that the new judge seemed to rule on things, so one way or the other, it would likely end.  We watched the weather carefully and when it came time to pack up and leave, we did so in a hurry so that we were on the road before anything could stop us. 

The morning of court was sunny, but cold.  Our family gathered at the courthouse and connected with Little Bit’s biological mother, who had become key in the process.  When the previous judge had told us that a motion to dissolve the guardianship had to be filed, the burden of proof fell to her.  Having voluntarily placed him in the guardianship, she could only have it revoked after proving that they were unfit or that she was now fit.  Since she wasn’t in a position to regain custody, the information that we had been gathering ended up being useful to the case as it clearly showed the state of the home he was in and the dangers that surrounded a child in it.  Her attorney had to run the show, and we all had to sit and watch.  Since this was a final adoption hearing, we had to wait until everyone else had finished their proceedings.  The court room had to be cleared of everyone except those relevant to the case. 

Honestly, the actual proceedings are such a blur, that I don’t know that I can do them justice here.  The attorney in charge was amazing.  Little Bit’s biological mother rose to the challenge of the day.  We all spoke our piece.  And it was hard for the guardians to refute facts backed with documentation.  We all left the courtroom to await the judge’s ruling.  It seemed like forever, but it was finally time. 

I cried.  So much.  The judge was so kind, but he was quite firm.  The choices that had been made were not in Little Bit’s best interest, and therefore the guardianship was being terminated.  Our adoption was approved!  We were getting custody!

Our attorneys arranged for us to be able to pick him up at the police station nearest the guardians’ home and we set off.  We sent a flurry of text messages to let people know what was going on, and we waited.  It wasn’t long before they pulled up.  Sean and I got out of the van and went to meet them.  There were tears, and though Little Bit initially seemed upset, as soon as the goodbyes were over, he was just as cheerful as he had always been.  We went to dinner and went for ice cream, and then headed to Walmart to get some necessary things.  I’m not even sure when things started to sink in.  Probably not that night.  Maybe they still haven’t.

Every day now, I wake up as the mother to a 5 year old.  Soon he’ll be six.  It’s amazing how time is flying.  We are beyond blessed by how things have turned out. And, though life seems to never stop changing now, we are all slowly finding our groove.  God has been good to us.  We live paycheck to paycheck like most of America, but we haven’t run out, we haven’t gone hungry, and we have had enough to be able to be a blessing to others at times.  Sean and I are about to celebrate seven years together, and this process has taken over half of it, but how could anything have been more worth that time?

On February 24th we celebrated our first "Gotcha Day" with Little Bit!  We have had such a roller coaster of a year, but I think all of us would agree that there have been more ups than downs.  While I'm not sure that would make sense on an actual coaster, for us it's been awesome.  

In the last year we have made a lot of changes as we adapted to life together.  We've all had multiple bedrooms; trying to find the right layout for life has been harder than we planned. We've also gone through multiple clothing sizes; his growth spurts are happening too often for my comfort.  Now we are looking at losing multiple teeth at once!  Ack!  Whoever didn't warn me about quickly growing little boys is mean!

As we continue settling in, a couple of things have become abundantly clear.  First, we are blessed.  I don't think either of us imagined that life would play out as it has in the last three years, but through it all we have learned and grown together, and now we have a wonderful son who makes us laugh and teaches us about a love we never would have known without him.  Second, life is busy.  Not many days go by when we don't fall into bed exhausted.  It's a good exhaustion, but it makes thinking of adding a leave-home-and-be-gone-all-day-five-days-a-week job daunting, so we have been looking at alternatives.  Finally, I have things to contribute!  I have been working for and with several people that were wonderful enough to let me move to Texas and continue working for them, and while it has kept the bills paid, we are really wanting to get the adoption expenses paid off so that we can move on with life.  That will only be possible if I can find creative ways to bring in some money.  

That brings us to now!  This project.  My plan is to begin to create customized gifts of various types for sale in my local community and online.  Things along the lines of customized cutting boards and etched glass baking dishes.  Stuff that people use, but that can be "fancied up" for gift giving, etc.  I'm wanting to market to people like realtors, who are already giving gifts to people, but that might be interested in easier personalization to make a bigger impact on their clients.  I'm working toward being able to make a number of different things, and I'm sure I haven't even thought of them all yet!

Ultimately, this is a craft-funding project, with eyes on being able to make it work as a business so that we can make some inroads into the mountain that we are working on climbing over.

 I've done the math on this, and basically what this fundraiser will be doing for the project is providing capital.  I'm trying to raise $1000 because the type of crafting I have done in the past was small-scale. Individual projects for gifting, maybe, or just something I thought was cute and wanted to make that ended up on my wall.  None of it required many tools.  This is bigger than that. The bulk of the requested funds will go to purchase some equipment that will be needed in order to set this machine in motion, and the remainder will be used to purchase consumables to begin stocking both my portfolio and an online store as a way to share that portfolio.  It's more than a bit scary to think that something like a crafting business would bring in enough to actually make a dent in the $35,000+ that we still owe on the adoption, but I figure every little bit will help.  And, if we can enjoy what we are doing to earn the money, so much the better.

Thanks so much for taking the time to check out my project.  We appreciate all the support we have received and continue to receive.  It's been such a learning experience and we are looking forward to what the next year together will bring!

The concept of being still is a hard one for me.  I just turned 26 last week.  In my lifetime I have moved close to 30 times, into approximately 20 homes, in 6 different states.  Moving is second nature to me.  In fact, it's the time between the moves that is the hardest.  I simply don't know how to stay still.

It’s not just physically moving, either.  One of the hardest things for me to do is sit back and watch a situation play out.  I feel like I need to be doing something.  I should be helping someone or at the very least giving them my opinion on how it’s being done.  I have a hard time being still in my spirit.

Looking back, most of my life has been spent trying to control things…  And situations…  And, let’s be honest, people.  I’ve put everything I had into fixing things that I shouldn’t even be near and fighting fires that were meant to be left burning.  I’ve decided what should be happening and worked to make it happen, only giving God a nod when things fell into place and deciding when they didn’t that surely figuring out how to make it work was a challenge He had given me. 

I’m finally beginning to learn that God has given me the life I have had in order to teach me to be still. 

He knows who I am and has for a long time.  In fact, He made me who I am, so even before I was born He knew exactly what I would need in order to become the person that He wants me to be.  Therefore, He put situation after situation into my life, hoping that I would let Him fight for me, knowing that if I would be still He would work it all out for my good and His glory; but allowing me to learn the hard way when it was needed, which was often.  Each time something new was thrown my way, I steeled myself for the battle.  I hardened my heart to protect it, put my head down, and started fighting.  What I thought I was learning was that no one would fight for me, but what I was really doing was ignoring the God who desperately wanted to. 

The verse in Exodus 14 came to my attention during a fight not long ago.  I was swinging for all I was worth, desperate for a child who had come into my life to grow up knowing that someone thought he was worth fighting for.  I was up late, reading and studying, preparing for the next stage of the battle when I came across the verse.  It didn’t hit me that night the way it would in later days, but I couldn’t just skim over it, either.  I acknowledged it…  And then kept fighting until I hit a brick wall.  The fight was over.  The verse must not have been meant for me, then… 

It’s funny how many times I’ve thought that.  “This verse didn’t apply to my life the way I thought it would, so it must have been meant for someone else.”  Isn’t that a crazy theory? 

I kept living life, fighting battles that cropped up along the way (even ones that had nothing to do with me).  Each time I would think about this verse and wonder if He meant it for the person I was fighting for this time.  Wishing this would be the time He stepped in.  But still fighting… 

Today is the first day that all of the pieces have fallen into place. I’ve been mulling the verse over ever since that first night, and its meaning has been hazy and unclear in my mind.  A few nights ago I started reading the book “When I Lay My Isaac Down” by Carol Kent, and it has just now connected in my brain that the struggle I have with being still is a huge one.  It’s so much more than just getting bored where I’m at or fighting perceived injustices.  This struggle is one of life and death; a matter of control that could cost me everything if I’m not willing to lay it down.  This Isaac isn’t a situation or a dream, it’s me, and I have to be willing to stop fighting and climb up on the altar and just be still, knowing that God is in control and believing that He has my best interests at heart. 

The Israelites were at the edge of the Red Sea in Exodus 14.  They were trapped between an advancing Egyptian army and a body of water that would swallow them if they entered it in their own strength. They were angry at God for having brought them out of slavery only to let them die.  It doesn’t sound like any of them were being still, they were too busy being furious and afraid. 

13 Moses answered the people, “Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the LORD will bring you today. The Egyptians you see today you will never see again. 14 The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still.” 

Be still.  Be still and let God be God.  Be still and let Him be the loving, merciful, just God that you have always known Him to be.  Be still and quit worrying.  Be still and stop planning the next move as though you have any clue what your options will be.  Just. Be. Still. 

One translation says, “The Lord will fight for you.  Just be calm.” Either way, it works.  I read it as, “Let go.”  Let go of what you think is control.  Let go of the need to know what’s next.  Let go of the selfish desire to ‘fix it’ for someone else.  Let go of everything that is not God and let Him be God. 

These two different stories have come together seamlessly in my heart today.  The only thing that I have to do is lay myself down on the altar and be still.  God has the rest of the battle firmly in hand and He will fight as long as I am willing to give up everything every day and just be still.  That’s not to say that all I ever do is sit motionless and wait.  Sometimes what God calls me to do is be still in my mind and follow His direction.  I don’t think He’s just going to let me lay there, so it’s a journey of being still in my spirit and letting Him lead my actions. 

And now my prayer is for help. Help to exercise the strength that has been built in all of these battles as I fight my fiercest enemy. Myself.